The Bar

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone

Director: Joel Schumacher

Writer(s): Akiva Goldsman, Christopher McQuarrie

Studio: Warner Bros.

Rating: PG-13

Official Bar Score: 

The fourth and final entry in the original movie series, “Batman & Robin” finds the dynamic duo battling Mr. Freeze (Schwarzenegger) and Poison Ivy (Thurman) with the help of Batgirl (Silverstone). The story behind how the character’s came to blows is a convoluted mess and not something I want to waste my time boring you with, nor do I recommend that you find out for yourself if you are fortunate enough NOT to have sat through this. If you are one of those people, let this review serve as your warning.

I harbor a lot of animosity toward this movie, as I was forced to sit through it a few times during it’s theatrical run due to circumstances a bit beyond my control. Sitting through a bad movie more than once in the theater is the equivalent of being stuck in a iron maiden closed just enough that the spikes are poking you. Here is my list of things to hate about this movie:

1. At what point between “Batman Forever” and “Batman & Robin” Schumacher decided to turn the franchise flamboyant is beyond me, but the end result of that decision is a film that is borderline fetishistic when it comes to amount of close up shots of male buttocks in tight rubber pants. It’s one of the more annoying movies I have ever seen, and this was a HUGE part of why.

2. The other would be the absolutely atrocious dialogue. Arnold is the undisputed king of the one liner and will be for a very long time. He is a master at delivering a well placed and witty quip interspersed with his normal dialogue. But here, it’s as if they decided that everything that was going to come out of his mouth was going to be a one liner. This would have been fine, if the one liners would have been even remotely clever. Alas, they are not, and Arnold is completely wasted. So is Uma Thurman for that matter.

3. Robin is gay, period. The character was okay in “Batman Forever” because his origin and attitude were explained well and he fit in. But here, he was little more than an extra male body to wrap in skin tight rubber and deliver shitty lines.

4. George Clooney should have been a good Bruce Wayne. SHOULD have. “Batman & Robin” is one of the few times Clooney missed the mark. I don’t blame him though. After one look at the script and set design I would have phoned it in too.

5. Speaking of set design, the magical transformation of Gotham from dark and dreary to flashy and vibrant was a bold move. “Bold” in this case meaning really fucking stupid. Part of the reason the Batman movies end up being better than most comic book adaptations is that the dark atmosphere gives the films an edge that is absent throughout the genre. Why it was thought to be a good idea to make Gotham City look like a big neon sign is a question for the ages.

About the only thing this movie has going for it is that is was Silverstone’s last movie before her career started to dwindle. I’m assuming the colossal failure that this movie was drove her into a depression. Other than that, it’s a low point for everyone involved and should be avoided at all costs.

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