The Bar

I am bored. I am going to dispel some misconceptions:

1. None of us live our parent’s basement (anymore).
2. We all hold steady jobs.
3. Two of us are raising large families.
4. None of us are over 30 (yet).
5. Yes, we have been doing this for almost 4 years.
6. No, we do not make money off of it (yet - perhaps you should buy something).
7. Yes, we will accept your screener.
8. No, we have not got around to watching it yet.
9. No, we do not have any control over Disturbed’s tour dates.
10. Yes, we count bot hits sometimes because it makes us feel better about ourselves.
11. Hulk Hogan sucks. Deal with it.
12. Yes, we have a forum/message board. The artist formerly known as The Monkey deals with that. He lets people talk shit in there pretty much at will.
13. If your psyche is damaged by something someone says on an internet forum, you should seek therapy. Or xanax. Whatever floats your boat.
14. We do not like “Stargate” or anything related to it.
15. We understand that a good chunk of our reviews are little more than poorly written synopsis blurbs with some expletives.
16. You should understand that the person behind most of those was good enough to contribute them in large volume for free when it was just me and Dr. Monkey doing everything and we were a Geocities site.
17. We will eventually make them better as needed.
18. We obtain just about everything we review ourselves. You can define that as “we pay our own goddamn money and spend our own goddamn time on procuring and watching/listening to projects.”
19. The above statement means two things: 1) We give you an honest opinion, however clouded by fanboy-ism those opinions may be, and 2) we tend to stick to our tastes, which means there are a LOT of horror movie reviews, and a LOT of metal reviews. There is some hip hop too, because I (Winston) am a lifelong hip hop head, and The Monkey and Wendell are not close minded. We don’t do easy listening.*
20. I don’t feel like scrolling to the bottom so… *I like easy listening as long as it isn’t gay.
21. We use the term “gay” in a derogatory sense. We also use “faggot”.
22. We are not homophobic. Gay people are more than welcome to visit and enjoy The Bar. We just use those terms to describe stuff that sucks, and to question each others manhood when we have most likely lost an argument and are grasping at straws.
23. We will not use that against you if you are openly gay, because it won’t offend you. We would most likely call you “straight”.
24. “American Gangster” was the real best picture of 2007.
25. If you think “No Country for Old Men” is great, then you are an easily led automaton.
26. I learned the phrase “easily led automaton” from the movie “Clerks”.
27. “Clerks” is one of the funniest movies ever made.
28. Yes, most of the comments come from people in our crew.
29. That is because they are our friends, and most of the time we continue arguments started in real life in here.
30. If a conversation in a comment section makes little sense to you, feel free to make a random statement, insult someone, or maybe actually say something constructive and informative.
31. We love independent movies.
32. We hate indie movies.
33. A “TMB Classic” is a movie that we are extremely fond of and is a classic in our circle.
34. If you agree with a “Classic Status” rating, then you will probably find our site to be perfect for you.
35. If you disagree with a “Classic Status” rating, then you will probably find our site to be perfect for you to bitch.
36. We used to use a “reverse scale” - that is, 5 Beers was a terrible movie. It made sense to us, like “you have to drink 5 beers to make it through”.
37. Nobody else got it, so we changed it to a traditional scale, like “5 beers to celebrate this wonderful movie!”
38. Therefore, if you think that you are the first person to say “you should reverse the scale”, you are wrong.
39. We call ourselves “The Bar” because we talk about movies and music pretty much equally. However, “thebar.com” and any viable alternative is already taken or the owner of the domain is asking for way too much money.
40. We still call ourselves TMB because we “themoviebar.net”, and “TMB” sounds much better than “TB”. Doc Holliday died of “TB” in “Tombstone”. We wouldn’t have killed Doc Holliday.
41. Don’t confuse us with The Movie Blog. They use TMB too. We use it better.
42. Wendell and I have no problems arguing about Tupac vs. Pantera at any given moment on any given post.
43. If the “Muthafuckin” in Wendell Muthafuckin Rose offends you, poke around the site. I guarantee you will find something worse in less than 45 seconds.
44. The Barbie Porn was made on a Friday night while everyone else was at a bar.
45. This section had to be eliminated.
46. It’s because Rusty Nail is trying to use innocuous content for his own nefarious purposes.
47. Rusty Nail can eat a dick.
48. Tits, blood, and explosions can and do make a movie good.
49. So do plot and character development, story, solid endings, editing, camera angles, etc.
50. They are movies and CDs, not life changing events.
51. Our arch enemy is The Cinema Pub.
52. The Cinema Pub doesn’t actually exist, but Dr. Monkey and I always threaten to start it up when we are comically disgruntled.
53. We do not take ourselves seriously. Nor should you.
54. Our original mascot was a movie reel that wore a baseball cap and always had a beer. His name was Marty. That is where any references to Marty come from. You have been informed.
55. You should put a Bar banner on your Myspace/Facebook/Blog/Website/Mobile phone wallpaper/tits/ass/belly.
56. We are not a blog. Bloggers are, for the most part, very high strung people who pontificate on politics and gardening and stuff like that. Quite often, we use The Bar as a means of letting out quite a bit of immature tendencies.
57. We like it this way. If you do not like it, well then, fuck it. We can’t nothin’ for ya man.
58. “We can’t nothin’ for ya man.” was a reference to a Public Enemy song.
59. We think hardcore dancers are funny.
60. We think that emo-kids are more funny.
61. We think that “Talladega Nights” is the funniest.
62. So, if you don’t chew Big Red, then fuck you.
63. There are lots of easter eggs throughout the site. Just don’t ask us where all of them are. Wendell and I were very intoxicated when we did it. (Hint: click on one of the beers in the score.)
64. We reserve the right to overrate stuff.
65. We feel that internet review sites should be used to give you an idea of what people are saying about the movie.
66. If you truly get angry over one of our reviews, please, by all means navigate your way to a prescription website that stocks anti-depressants. We don’t want you to commit suicide. We want you to join Netflix.
67. We all have lives, jobs, and many many other things that cause fatigue, both mentally and physically. Therefore, we quite often go a few days without new reviews or news.
68. If you and all of your friends were to buy stuff via the ads or the TMB store, then we might be able to eventually devote all of our time to the site instead of just all of our free time.
69. I shamelessly plug everything, usually to no avail.
70. I do this because I pay for the web hosting. I would like to do everything I can to keep my 9 bucks every three months.
71. We used to pay 20 bucks a month.
72. Fuck Yahoo web hosting.
73. We have been shut down for copyright infringement a grand total of one time.
74. It was because Paramount Pictures didn’t like that we were promoting the new Indiana Jones movie.
75. Fuck mountains.
76. We get Lionsgate screeners from time to time.
77. This is one reason that we review a lot of Lionsgate movies.
78. The other is that they are the only studio with any balls.
79. They dropped the ball on the “Murder Set Pieces” DVD though.
80. Underground horror and faux-snuff films are cool.
81. Wendell and The Monkey don’t agree with the second half of that statement.
82. Judd Apatow is god.
83. It makes sense if you think about it. I’m 60 percent sure that Judd Apatow is Jewish, which would mean that Jesus COULD be his son.
84. Don’t be an elitist. It gets you nowhere. Most of the time, if the majority thinks something is funny, it’s because it probably is.
85. That above rule also applies to the horror genre. For the most part anyway. A lot of the films horror fanboys think are cool are, in fact, cool.
86. But not all of them. “The Chair” sucks.
87. I haven’t seen “The Chair”, but The Monkey has and he said it sucks.
88. We frequently pass judgement on films based on the trailer and or the rating. I’d say we’re right about 7 times out of 10.
89. R Rating = good
90. PG-13 = gay
91. NC-17 = you would think “good”, but really there aren’t a whole lot of NC-17 movies that are worth a shit. “Orgazmo” was awesome.
92. I always cease to remember that previous statement and actively seek out NC-17 movies because of graphic female nudity potential.
93. Usually it ends up being male full frontal nudity or gay sex, and I’m disappointed.
94. Dr. Monkey’s real name is used quite frequently throughout the site. Do not attack his use of variations on “The Monkey”. Think of knowing it as a prize for being a loyal reader.
95. Don’t steal our bandwidth. Download the pic, upload it to your website or photobucket or wherever and use that. We cannot afford to pay for your bandwidth.
96. If we catch you, we are not above changing the pic to something totally immature and childish, like a banner that says “YOU STOLE OUR IMAGES, THEREFORE YOU ACTIVELY LISTEN TO NKOTB!”
97. You know full well what NKOTB stands for.
98. We did not photoshop TMB on to the bouncing boob pics, they are genuine. Don’t be jealous women like us enough to do that for our website.
99. It’s actually not a bad idea to photoshop your website logo onto bouncing boobs, so we won’t hate on you if you do it.
100. Join Netflix.
101. Do it through us.
102. Please.
103. If you want to write reviews for us, by all means drop me a line via the contact page. We don’t watch much TV and Dr. Monkey plays video games but isn’t too big on writing about them, so we are really looking for anyone who can regularly keep those sections updated.
104. Dr. Monkey sucks at NBA Live.
105. I suck at Guitar Hero.
106. Wendell and Black really like comic book movies. Dr. Monkey is ambivalent. For the most part I hate them, but there are exceptions.

There you go, that’s us in a nutshell. Join Netflix.

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